APEIL

If you are anything like me, you are quite particular about the rules of grammar and spelling. For the past decade or so the internet is consistently morphing what was English into unrecognizable dialects that is generally called “Leet.”

I have been fascinated with the relatively quick morphing of simple sentence structures, the quick changes in spelling of simple words, and the disregard for casing tenses in any appropriate way. At first, I was angered at this blatant disrespect for English convention. But, after much reflecting over what a linguist would think, and after remembering that English is a mutt of a language in itself, I felt the need to stop our disdain and embrace this budding cultural treasure.

This is why I have decided to start APEIL.

I believe my reasoning is clear: why demoralize such a sapling of culture simply because it is new and different? Why don’t we embrace this Internet Lingo as a child dialect and nurture its growth on the internet? Why don’t we consider Internet Lingo speakers as a dialect of English and not condemn them for their courageous ingenuity?

Instead of saying, “Wow, that guy sucks at English,” I would much rather say, “Wow, that gentleman is skilled at conversational Internet Speak.”

Please, if you feel moved to act about the Internet Lingo issue, join our vision here at APEIL. Let us empower and encourage this new dialect, not discriminate or discourage simply because others are different.

Thank you for your time.

Rye Chip Aside

Did you realize Gardetto’s produced a product containing only roasted garlic rye chips?

We no longer need to guiltily eat unnecessary pretzels or round bread thingies to enjoy the real Gardetto’s treasure.

If you didn’t know this, you’re welcome.

If you did, why aren’t you consuming these crunchy, brown delights like I am right now?

Dear AFI

Dear American Film Institute,

As an avid film connoisseur I have great respect for your work in educating the next generation of filmmakers, exploring new filming techniques, and concocting those delicious “top X category” movie lists we all love. I have to underscore the well known fact that your association is a great boon to our society, and therefore has deeply impacted me emotionally and spiritually. Thus, I am sending this modest and simple request:

I want to watch movies for a living too.

I plead with you to consider my reasoning:

Firstly, if I’m not mistaken, your organization started in 1967 and so has been boldly viewing films for 41 years. This striking fact about your institute obviously begs the question as to whether the young, peppy initiators of your great institute are still young and peppy today. I would also like to point your attention to the fact that I am a young and terribly peppy movie-watcher. As a part of your team I could inject much needed spice into your association, and so continue your prevailing legacy of great film-viewers.

Secondly, I would imagine that you simply need more movie watchers with a critical eye. With the advent of web services like Youtube, how will your organization keep up with the plethora of quality films published daily? Don’t worry. I am willing to sift through the common garbage and find the brilliant gems that your institute desires and seeks.

Lastly, I will bring a fresh, untrained mind to your team. Now, I know what you are thinking. Untrained? Isn’t untrained bad? At first it may seem so, but allow me to ask in return: did Duke Ellington require an education to recognize in jazz what was sweet, bluesy excellence and what was not? Did Benjamin Franklin require a bachelor’s degree in creative writing to consistently provide the colonies with wholesome and handy almanacs? Did Papa John require culinary training to find that missing pizazz in pizzas that he now supplies in over 3,000 pizza shops around the world? No. Excellence is recognized by those with a fresh, open mind- a mind unstained by ivory tower drudgery and jaded film instructors. I have this new mind your group needs.

I have attached my resume, along with a list of references, a box of chocolates, and a collectors edition of Citizen Kane on Blu-ray. I will contact you soon. Thank you for taking time to consider me.

Sincerly,

James M. Schofield, Esq.

I <3 Coffee

It’s true.

Coffee is one of the most pleasing things created under the heavens. Nothing else can pick you up after a late night. Nothing else injects stimulants into your bloodstream so efficiently and legally. Nothing else has transformed our socio-cultural norms of how we meet with people more.

For these reasons, and many more countless reasons which I will not mention here, I’ve decided to compile a short history of this nectar of the gods:

• ~4500 BC – Coffee bean created along with world
• ~800 AD – Etheopian shepherds brew the first cup’o'joe after noticing their sheep eating coffee beans and dancing with delight afterwards
• 1583 AD – German physician Leonhard Rauwolf becomes the first man to report trendy new beverage Muslims were widely concocting. It was believed that this “bunnu drink” had medicinal purposes
• 1600 AD – After Europe goes hog-wild over the deemed “Muslim beverage.” Pope Clement declares coffee a “Christian beverage” because he liked it so gosh-darned much
• 1700’s AD – Various bans of coffee in areas such as Ethoipa and Turkey because drink was unfortunately and wrongly said to insight rebellious political activities. Writers, musicians, and poets move to Europe
• 1812 AD – War between England and America creates a decisive beverage loyalty split, allowing America to drink coffee guilt-free and patriotically. England upset that they were stuck with a second-rate beverage, but are still too proud to admit it to this day
• 1833 AD – Mormon doctrine “hot drinks are not for the belly” leads to coffee prohibition in The Church of Jesus Christ and Latter-Day Saints. Mormons witness sleepily in pairs ever since
• 1971 AD – First Starbucks opens in Seattle, later to become the creator of the coffee shop franchise. Ultimately inspires coffee shops such as Carbiou, Dunn Bros., and Espresso Royale
• 1987 AD – Ed Dunn creates ultimate coffee shop in St. Paul, Minnesota. Dunn Bros. remains best coffee shop to this day

The best part of this history is, I didn’t make anything up. Check out my reliable source I shall call “W.”

Doraibu suru

Whilst pleasurably driving to my local library today, I found the pressing urge to describe in my mind what a great drive it was- how stress-relieving and therapeutic this “cruise” in my vehicle was. How enjoyable it is to just drive for the sake of driving. Then, out of my mouth came a simple Japanese verb: “doraibu suru.”

The Japanese are far advanced in their linguistics. This simple verb, as I recall my Japanese Sensei instructing me, differs from the normal “to drive” verb by emphasizing that the driving is pleasureful driving. Never Mind that it’s a borrowed word from English, and if you say “doraibu” quickly enough it sounds like “drive.” This convenient verb allows me to really communicate what I’m doing when I’m enjoying a good drive.

So the next time you find yourself delighting in a drive through the country, just say to yourself “watashi wa doraibu suru no daisuki da yo!”

Thank you, Japanese, for being awesome.